Wednesday
Not all bad though...
Regarding my previous post: I just remembered that I should post that I am hopeful—and rather excited at the prospect—that I will be able to fix the thing for under $30. I would never have gotten the chance to try to fix one if I never got a broken one in the first place.
An Xbox and Revenge
These guys sold me a dud Xbox and I fell for it because they were selling it for only 100 bucks—Kim and I are on allowance and I saved mine up for this at 55 bucks a month for eating out, cloths and entertainment) and it was the elite model and it came with all of the cords—I got greedy. It works for a bit (I was at least smart enough to check for the rings of death), but when it heats up the displayed image gets corrupted and it shows symptoms of pre-E 74. Now I phoned the guy's friend back last night and or whatever and he said that he'd get his friend to call me. His friend hasn't phoned.
So, I signed the guy's email address up for spam (actually some movie site or something that just screams illegitimate) and then used an internet prank call service on his friend's phone. I wanted to show him that you can't go treating people like this, but I realized I did it in such a cowardly way that it doesn't really do anything but make his life worse. That was stupid. Now I feel really petty and terrible about myself.
Oh I will never do that again. I just don't want to be a vengeful person. I can be confident that if his mother couldn't teach him this, I probably can't and I should have realized this before I did it.
Stupid, stupid me.
Will out.
So, I signed the guy's email address up for spam (actually some movie site or something that just screams illegitimate) and then used an internet prank call service on his friend's phone. I wanted to show him that you can't go treating people like this, but I realized I did it in such a cowardly way that it doesn't really do anything but make his life worse. That was stupid. Now I feel really petty and terrible about myself.
Oh I will never do that again. I just don't want to be a vengeful person. I can be confident that if his mother couldn't teach him this, I probably can't and I should have realized this before I did it.
Stupid, stupid me.
Will out.
Friday
Tuesday
Personal Pihlosophizing/Why it is existentially important to think about these things
I guess it started last fall when I took vertebrate zoology. I saw, for the first time, that I would be calling all of my peers delusional, stupid or liars if I didn't accept Darwinian evolution and one cannot go through life thinking that of everyone else in his or her field (unless you are a philosopher or theologian)—also it made a fair amount sense.
Previous to that I had never considered the problem of evil a problem: oh sure, there is a tonne of evil in this world, but I couldn't conclusively say that it wouldn't all make sense in the after-life; it would be arrogant to think otherwise.
Darwinian evolution makes the whole mechanism behind creation a little bit horrid and something I could never call good—efficient, elegant and even somewhat beautiful, but certainly not good. Now, this very world we experience is built on the suffering of myriad sentient beings and I thought, "do they all get an afterlife that reveals to them the point of this whole ruthless show?"
These thoughts brought about two things: first, I could no longer call the Bible completely true and if I ever experienced God it was through that book; second, I began to see a problem of evil.
This problem was amplified when I took philosophy and started asking questions about the nature of my existence: Is my soul a material object? Do I have continuing identity? What is free will?
The first one raised doubts about life after death, the second, whether it even makes sense to talk about life after death, and the third, whether it even makes sense to say that God is not responsible for the evil in this world because he gave humans freedom and they did the evil (I realized later that God would be in a way a product of his nature and thus despicable or laudable, but not morally reprehensible in the way I previously conceived of it.)
The first two by themselves or the last one by itself would not be enough to make God evil in my view, but taken together these three spelled doom for any non-Christian or other Christian (there are different varieties: I like to think I shared mine with C.S. Lewis and Augustine, my teachers) Gods I was considering and thus I decided to say, "For now, I will be agnostic concerning the existence of God", which really means an intellectual atheist who has an open mind.
(Aside: If you are wondering about how I was agnostic about a possibly evil God it is because I wasn't—and still am not—sure about whether resurrection is possible (I mean I fall asleep and wake up as the same person, I think).)
Later on, I questioned what good means and ended up with a very Kierkegaardian conception of it. This led me to think that it is possible for there to be a good God, but still left me wondering if there is a God: doubt in something comes a lot easier than it leaves.
So this brings me to today: I am an empiricist bordering on positivist, with a few hold out rationalist biases. Anyway, this story is why I think philosophy is so important: it can free thinking (I have a much easier and more harmonious, if less exciting, thought life now that I am an atheist) and alleviate social tension (I always felt so much guilt for not evangelizing much).
The funny part about this is that I think I like and respect Christians (even if they are a bit creepy sometimes) more than Christians like and respect Christians; I even like evangelists (they actually let their ideas compete in the intellectual forum and let their beliefs influence their actions, which is a far more honest of a way to believe things) and I don't think they get enough credit from emerging church types. My home church is full of wonderful caring people and faith is very important to my mother's wonderful family.
So here's where I will end it. There are obviously apparent gaps in my reasoning, but just comment on them and I can fill them for you.
Previous to that I had never considered the problem of evil a problem: oh sure, there is a tonne of evil in this world, but I couldn't conclusively say that it wouldn't all make sense in the after-life; it would be arrogant to think otherwise.
Darwinian evolution makes the whole mechanism behind creation a little bit horrid and something I could never call good—efficient, elegant and even somewhat beautiful, but certainly not good. Now, this very world we experience is built on the suffering of myriad sentient beings and I thought, "do they all get an afterlife that reveals to them the point of this whole ruthless show?"
These thoughts brought about two things: first, I could no longer call the Bible completely true and if I ever experienced God it was through that book; second, I began to see a problem of evil.
This problem was amplified when I took philosophy and started asking questions about the nature of my existence: Is my soul a material object? Do I have continuing identity? What is free will?
The first one raised doubts about life after death, the second, whether it even makes sense to talk about life after death, and the third, whether it even makes sense to say that God is not responsible for the evil in this world because he gave humans freedom and they did the evil (I realized later that God would be in a way a product of his nature and thus despicable or laudable, but not morally reprehensible in the way I previously conceived of it.)
The first two by themselves or the last one by itself would not be enough to make God evil in my view, but taken together these three spelled doom for any non-Christian or other Christian (there are different varieties: I like to think I shared mine with C.S. Lewis and Augustine, my teachers) Gods I was considering and thus I decided to say, "For now, I will be agnostic concerning the existence of God", which really means an intellectual atheist who has an open mind.
(Aside: If you are wondering about how I was agnostic about a possibly evil God it is because I wasn't—and still am not—sure about whether resurrection is possible (I mean I fall asleep and wake up as the same person, I think).)
Later on, I questioned what good means and ended up with a very Kierkegaardian conception of it. This led me to think that it is possible for there to be a good God, but still left me wondering if there is a God: doubt in something comes a lot easier than it leaves.
So this brings me to today: I am an empiricist bordering on positivist, with a few hold out rationalist biases. Anyway, this story is why I think philosophy is so important: it can free thinking (I have a much easier and more harmonious, if less exciting, thought life now that I am an atheist) and alleviate social tension (I always felt so much guilt for not evangelizing much).
The funny part about this is that I think I like and respect Christians (even if they are a bit creepy sometimes) more than Christians like and respect Christians; I even like evangelists (they actually let their ideas compete in the intellectual forum and let their beliefs influence their actions, which is a far more honest of a way to believe things) and I don't think they get enough credit from emerging church types. My home church is full of wonderful caring people and faith is very important to my mother's wonderful family.
So here's where I will end it. There are obviously apparent gaps in my reasoning, but just comment on them and I can fill them for you.
Friday
A painting for my wife...
There is this painting for sale in this centre street shop near my bus stop that is on sale for a bargain price. $150 for a painting in a gorgeous frame—the parts are worth what he's selling it for! I know Kim likes the painting too; and that's the kicker. It is nice, but it is not artistic. I know people will come into our home and admire it. Kim will be proud of it; they might even talk a bit about how nice it is and how thoughtful it was of me to get her that. And it will make me die a little inside every time they do.
Whilst they are viewing I will think it that a van Gogh or Rembrandt printed on newsprint and held on the wall with thumb tacks would be a million times more honest and that even though people will not admire it, I will be easier in my heart.
Sometimes I think Kim wishes I was like those people who praise vacantly. Like, "Wow you look so nice! Where did you get that?" They mean as much in so many words as much I mean by, "It looks all right." When I praise something, I would be lying if I said I was indifferent to it instead. At that moment it is the centre of my attention and worth all my attention as well.
Sometimes I say she is beautiful when I feel indifferent. It is my compromise: it doesn't sit well with me; I do her a disservice: she cannot trust my judgments. When I do praise her beauty honestly (which I do frequently enough and most times I tell her she's beautiful I truly and deeply mean it) I feel like it is worth so much more and to say it at times when she is wearing make-up or clothing items that either clash among themselves or cover her beauty would be to cheapen it when I say it at other times. Can't she understand why integrity is for her benefit here?!
I love her. I understand that she has insecurities (like everyone in existence) and that telling her she's beautiful will make her feel beautiful and that in turn will make her more beautiful, but it feels dishonest and that's my beef.
- Will Out
Whilst they are viewing I will think it that a van Gogh or Rembrandt printed on newsprint and held on the wall with thumb tacks would be a million times more honest and that even though people will not admire it, I will be easier in my heart.
Sometimes I think Kim wishes I was like those people who praise vacantly. Like, "Wow you look so nice! Where did you get that?" They mean as much in so many words as much I mean by, "It looks all right." When I praise something, I would be lying if I said I was indifferent to it instead. At that moment it is the centre of my attention and worth all my attention as well.
Sometimes I say she is beautiful when I feel indifferent. It is my compromise: it doesn't sit well with me; I do her a disservice: she cannot trust my judgments. When I do praise her beauty honestly (which I do frequently enough and most times I tell her she's beautiful I truly and deeply mean it) I feel like it is worth so much more and to say it at times when she is wearing make-up or clothing items that either clash among themselves or cover her beauty would be to cheapen it when I say it at other times. Can't she understand why integrity is for her benefit here?!
I love her. I understand that she has insecurities (like everyone in existence) and that telling her she's beautiful will make her feel beautiful and that in turn will make her more beautiful, but it feels dishonest and that's my beef.
- Will Out
Starting to regret my last post
I am starting to regret my last post—luckily, if I never mention this blog to anyone, no one will read it. It was a stressful time for everyone. lol. Sorry Katrina if you ever read this. Please forgive me.
So I'm married to Kim now. That is pretty awesome.
Funny Story: I lost my keys the day before I got married and haven't found them yet. That means my car is still at Gil and Jenna's.
For this class called God and Evil, I am working on a theodicy: modifying others that I have read is probably more accurate. I can't find anyone else who has suggested this idea, but that is pretty much meaningless based on the archaic and incomplete nature of our databases at school--seriously, like three quarters of the results that I get when I search stuff are a link to this “find it” page which invariably tells me that it is in another database that our school isn't subscribed to (that statement is not quite accurate: I think once or twice in my academic career it has been on a database we subscribe to, but you get the point).
Anyway, the theodicy goes something like this:
The only evil experiences that we truly have access to are those that we personally experience or experience through empathy for others (but the important part is not including the supposed sufferings of another person into this). Now, whether or not that evil can be seen as the workings of a good God needs to be decided by each individual based on his/her own suffering.
This may sound like a terribly cold-hearted theodicy, but I think when one considers the religious stats in places that are full of the things that we would call evil, he/she will see that the people who are experiencing this suffering have a belief in God that they can maintain through this adversity. Also, consider that the number of atheists has increased along side of improving conditions in the world rather than vice versa.
I think the main reason that we have had an increase in the number of atheists over the last couple of centuries is that some people no longer need the idea of God in everyday life. As life gets more controlled, reliance on the supernatural decreases: belief in a good stable God might help people stay sane and see a purpose in their crisis and suffering.
That is way too brief for an essay, but that is all that I want to say.
Will Out
So I'm married to Kim now. That is pretty awesome.
Funny Story: I lost my keys the day before I got married and haven't found them yet. That means my car is still at Gil and Jenna's.
For this class called God and Evil, I am working on a theodicy: modifying others that I have read is probably more accurate. I can't find anyone else who has suggested this idea, but that is pretty much meaningless based on the archaic and incomplete nature of our databases at school--seriously, like three quarters of the results that I get when I search stuff are a link to this “find it” page which invariably tells me that it is in another database that our school isn't subscribed to (that statement is not quite accurate: I think once or twice in my academic career it has been on a database we subscribe to, but you get the point).
Anyway, the theodicy goes something like this:
The only evil experiences that we truly have access to are those that we personally experience or experience through empathy for others (but the important part is not including the supposed sufferings of another person into this). Now, whether or not that evil can be seen as the workings of a good God needs to be decided by each individual based on his/her own suffering.
This may sound like a terribly cold-hearted theodicy, but I think when one considers the religious stats in places that are full of the things that we would call evil, he/she will see that the people who are experiencing this suffering have a belief in God that they can maintain through this adversity. Also, consider that the number of atheists has increased along side of improving conditions in the world rather than vice versa.
I think the main reason that we have had an increase in the number of atheists over the last couple of centuries is that some people no longer need the idea of God in everyday life. As life gets more controlled, reliance on the supernatural decreases: belief in a good stable God might help people stay sane and see a purpose in their crisis and suffering.
That is way too brief for an essay, but that is all that I want to say.
Will Out
Sunday
2:30 in the morning
I got yelled at twice tonight, for reasons I think were unjust. Since it was women who aren't Kim who did it, I am just going to write about it rather than say or do anything (I really don't think it is worth the time or effort). Then, in one case it was followed up by soft words that seemed like manipulation as the yelling didn't work. That sounds paranoid, but I swear I'm not. I blamed Kim a bit for the yelling, but it wasn't her fault. I clammed up when he tried to comfort me.
I'm getting married tomorrow to Kim. I can't wait to live with her. Finally, some equality in a room mate! Between mom over the summer and my landlords this fall, I have been the inferior for almost 6 months and I am cramped most severely. Finally, when someone tells me to do something I can say no and hold that position without the feeling of insubordination. If I say yes, it will be because I love her.
All my interactions with Kim's family seem to follow this route, but I am not liking Katrina very much right now (I have not liked each of them for one thing or another on my way to loving them). She thinks she is so wise and it pisses me off. I find myself saying stupid things in reaction to what she says, just so I can have my thoughts be different from hers. lol. When I like her again permanently a month from now, I wonder what I'll think of this.
Like when she tells me to give something up, she says it in an authoritative tone that says, "this is the voice of experience" arghhh. Life is much more complex than that. The same path doesn't always lead to the same mistakes and because someone doesn't find peace in something doesn't mean others don't. Like they never want to seriously discuss philosophical things with me and I have been told to stop talking about them, but I have to listen to talk and analysis of stupid tv shows as if the people were real. It is good I am getting this out: when I read it again, I will feel ashamed and be more gracious, but not tonight. lol. sleep time now.
I'm going to regret posting this, but my mind would call me coward if I didn't so w/e.
I'm getting married tomorrow to Kim. I can't wait to live with her. Finally, some equality in a room mate! Between mom over the summer and my landlords this fall, I have been the inferior for almost 6 months and I am cramped most severely. Finally, when someone tells me to do something I can say no and hold that position without the feeling of insubordination. If I say yes, it will be because I love her.
All my interactions with Kim's family seem to follow this route, but I am not liking Katrina very much right now (I have not liked each of them for one thing or another on my way to loving them). She thinks she is so wise and it pisses me off. I find myself saying stupid things in reaction to what she says, just so I can have my thoughts be different from hers. lol. When I like her again permanently a month from now, I wonder what I'll think of this.
Like when she tells me to give something up, she says it in an authoritative tone that says, "this is the voice of experience" arghhh. Life is much more complex than that. The same path doesn't always lead to the same mistakes and because someone doesn't find peace in something doesn't mean others don't. Like they never want to seriously discuss philosophical things with me and I have been told to stop talking about them, but I have to listen to talk and analysis of stupid tv shows as if the people were real. It is good I am getting this out: when I read it again, I will feel ashamed and be more gracious, but not tonight. lol. sleep time now.
I'm going to regret posting this, but my mind would call me coward if I didn't so w/e.
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