There is this painting for sale in this centre street shop near my bus stop that is on sale for a bargain price. $150 for a painting in a gorgeous frame—the parts are worth what he's selling it for! I know Kim likes the painting too; and that's the kicker. It is nice, but it is not artistic. I know people will come into our home and admire it. Kim will be proud of it; they might even talk a bit about how nice it is and how thoughtful it was of me to get her that. And it will make me die a little inside every time they do.
Whilst they are viewing I will think it that a van Gogh or Rembrandt printed on newsprint and held on the wall with thumb tacks would be a million times more honest and that even though people will not admire it, I will be easier in my heart.
Sometimes I think Kim wishes I was like those people who praise vacantly. Like, "Wow you look so nice! Where did you get that?" They mean as much in so many words as much I mean by, "It looks all right." When I praise something, I would be lying if I said I was indifferent to it instead. At that moment it is the centre of my attention and worth all my attention as well.
Sometimes I say she is beautiful when I feel indifferent. It is my compromise: it doesn't sit well with me; I do her a disservice: she cannot trust my judgments. When I do praise her beauty honestly (which I do frequently enough and most times I tell her she's beautiful I truly and deeply mean it) I feel like it is worth so much more and to say it at times when she is wearing make-up or clothing items that either clash among themselves or cover her beauty would be to cheapen it when I say it at other times. Can't she understand why integrity is for her benefit here?!
I love her. I understand that she has insecurities (like everyone in existence) and that telling her she's beautiful will make her feel beautiful and that in turn will make her more beautiful, but it feels dishonest and that's my beef.
- Will Out
Friday
Starting to regret my last post
I am starting to regret my last post—luckily, if I never mention this blog to anyone, no one will read it. It was a stressful time for everyone. lol. Sorry Katrina if you ever read this. Please forgive me.
So I'm married to Kim now. That is pretty awesome.
Funny Story: I lost my keys the day before I got married and haven't found them yet. That means my car is still at Gil and Jenna's.
For this class called God and Evil, I am working on a theodicy: modifying others that I have read is probably more accurate. I can't find anyone else who has suggested this idea, but that is pretty much meaningless based on the archaic and incomplete nature of our databases at school--seriously, like three quarters of the results that I get when I search stuff are a link to this “find it” page which invariably tells me that it is in another database that our school isn't subscribed to (that statement is not quite accurate: I think once or twice in my academic career it has been on a database we subscribe to, but you get the point).
Anyway, the theodicy goes something like this:
The only evil experiences that we truly have access to are those that we personally experience or experience through empathy for others (but the important part is not including the supposed sufferings of another person into this). Now, whether or not that evil can be seen as the workings of a good God needs to be decided by each individual based on his/her own suffering.
This may sound like a terribly cold-hearted theodicy, but I think when one considers the religious stats in places that are full of the things that we would call evil, he/she will see that the people who are experiencing this suffering have a belief in God that they can maintain through this adversity. Also, consider that the number of atheists has increased along side of improving conditions in the world rather than vice versa.
I think the main reason that we have had an increase in the number of atheists over the last couple of centuries is that some people no longer need the idea of God in everyday life. As life gets more controlled, reliance on the supernatural decreases: belief in a good stable God might help people stay sane and see a purpose in their crisis and suffering.
That is way too brief for an essay, but that is all that I want to say.
Will Out
So I'm married to Kim now. That is pretty awesome.
Funny Story: I lost my keys the day before I got married and haven't found them yet. That means my car is still at Gil and Jenna's.
For this class called God and Evil, I am working on a theodicy: modifying others that I have read is probably more accurate. I can't find anyone else who has suggested this idea, but that is pretty much meaningless based on the archaic and incomplete nature of our databases at school--seriously, like three quarters of the results that I get when I search stuff are a link to this “find it” page which invariably tells me that it is in another database that our school isn't subscribed to (that statement is not quite accurate: I think once or twice in my academic career it has been on a database we subscribe to, but you get the point).
Anyway, the theodicy goes something like this:
The only evil experiences that we truly have access to are those that we personally experience or experience through empathy for others (but the important part is not including the supposed sufferings of another person into this). Now, whether or not that evil can be seen as the workings of a good God needs to be decided by each individual based on his/her own suffering.
This may sound like a terribly cold-hearted theodicy, but I think when one considers the religious stats in places that are full of the things that we would call evil, he/she will see that the people who are experiencing this suffering have a belief in God that they can maintain through this adversity. Also, consider that the number of atheists has increased along side of improving conditions in the world rather than vice versa.
I think the main reason that we have had an increase in the number of atheists over the last couple of centuries is that some people no longer need the idea of God in everyday life. As life gets more controlled, reliance on the supernatural decreases: belief in a good stable God might help people stay sane and see a purpose in their crisis and suffering.
That is way too brief for an essay, but that is all that I want to say.
Will Out
Sunday
2:30 in the morning
I got yelled at twice tonight, for reasons I think were unjust. Since it was women who aren't Kim who did it, I am just going to write about it rather than say or do anything (I really don't think it is worth the time or effort). Then, in one case it was followed up by soft words that seemed like manipulation as the yelling didn't work. That sounds paranoid, but I swear I'm not. I blamed Kim a bit for the yelling, but it wasn't her fault. I clammed up when he tried to comfort me.
I'm getting married tomorrow to Kim. I can't wait to live with her. Finally, some equality in a room mate! Between mom over the summer and my landlords this fall, I have been the inferior for almost 6 months and I am cramped most severely. Finally, when someone tells me to do something I can say no and hold that position without the feeling of insubordination. If I say yes, it will be because I love her.
All my interactions with Kim's family seem to follow this route, but I am not liking Katrina very much right now (I have not liked each of them for one thing or another on my way to loving them). She thinks she is so wise and it pisses me off. I find myself saying stupid things in reaction to what she says, just so I can have my thoughts be different from hers. lol. When I like her again permanently a month from now, I wonder what I'll think of this.
Like when she tells me to give something up, she says it in an authoritative tone that says, "this is the voice of experience" arghhh. Life is much more complex than that. The same path doesn't always lead to the same mistakes and because someone doesn't find peace in something doesn't mean others don't. Like they never want to seriously discuss philosophical things with me and I have been told to stop talking about them, but I have to listen to talk and analysis of stupid tv shows as if the people were real. It is good I am getting this out: when I read it again, I will feel ashamed and be more gracious, but not tonight. lol. sleep time now.
I'm going to regret posting this, but my mind would call me coward if I didn't so w/e.
I'm getting married tomorrow to Kim. I can't wait to live with her. Finally, some equality in a room mate! Between mom over the summer and my landlords this fall, I have been the inferior for almost 6 months and I am cramped most severely. Finally, when someone tells me to do something I can say no and hold that position without the feeling of insubordination. If I say yes, it will be because I love her.
All my interactions with Kim's family seem to follow this route, but I am not liking Katrina very much right now (I have not liked each of them for one thing or another on my way to loving them). She thinks she is so wise and it pisses me off. I find myself saying stupid things in reaction to what she says, just so I can have my thoughts be different from hers. lol. When I like her again permanently a month from now, I wonder what I'll think of this.
Like when she tells me to give something up, she says it in an authoritative tone that says, "this is the voice of experience" arghhh. Life is much more complex than that. The same path doesn't always lead to the same mistakes and because someone doesn't find peace in something doesn't mean others don't. Like they never want to seriously discuss philosophical things with me and I have been told to stop talking about them, but I have to listen to talk and analysis of stupid tv shows as if the people were real. It is good I am getting this out: when I read it again, I will feel ashamed and be more gracious, but not tonight. lol. sleep time now.
I'm going to regret posting this, but my mind would call me coward if I didn't so w/e.
Saturday
So too much internet lately...
I have spent way to much time on the internet lately. My body is starting to feel weak and complain. I am pretty stupid about that sometimes. When Kim and I get married, I am going to ask her if we can have no internet. I could always force her hand by making it come between her and me, but that is such a jerk move that I'm not sure that even I can do it.
We have access to school internet so it's not a big deal to not have it. Also, it will help to make us bored, then in turn creative and then in turn happier. And richer, I forgot richer : ).
I love Kim so much. She is just a great girlfriend and I think she will make a great wife. She is just so natural (read: more natural than me) about things and even her flaws stem from things about her that I love. Also, she is as transparent as a child.
So today I am going to miss my first big chance to drive my car on the open road, I was looking forward to it, but oh well, riding in Gill's jeep will be alright.
We have access to school internet so it's not a big deal to not have it. Also, it will help to make us bored, then in turn creative and then in turn happier. And richer, I forgot richer : ).
I love Kim so much. She is just a great girlfriend and I think she will make a great wife. She is just so natural (read: more natural than me) about things and even her flaws stem from things about her that I love. Also, she is as transparent as a child.
So today I am going to miss my first big chance to drive my car on the open road, I was looking forward to it, but oh well, riding in Gill's jeep will be alright.
My Car
Thursday
my car and my insecurities
William's Log, Stardate October 8th 2009
This morning I dropped my car off at the mechanic's so it can be safetied. I explained to the head mechanic that I thought the engine's belt might be a bit tight and I would like them to check it out. He asked me why I thought that in a tone that implied I probably didn't know what I was talking about. So I told him that the marker on the tightener (?) was outside of the zone that the manufacturer recommends. He said they would check it out.
This is an insignificant little event by itself, but this has been happening my whole life. It seems that most men (probably women too, but I feel it more acutely when it is a man [whatever, I am not sexist]) I have met in life are unwilling to invest knowledge in me or trust that I might know something about something. My best guess is that this is normal; no-one wants to teach someone they have no stock in. I think this is normally counteracted by the fact that a male child usually has a father who is willing to take the time to teach him something.
Thus, I turn to books, school, and the internet (the greatest resource for sons of widows ever) to learn things that are normally the interests of men; however, this is lacking. I am not contributing to (except in the case of teachers, where I put bread on their table, but that is sort of a crappy feeling contribution) nor am I committed to them. What would really be ideal for me is a gang, but I could never tolerate that.
I think part of the problem is that people can sense that I am not going to stay in most cases (I have moved so much in my life; I sort of give off this vibe) and they are right not to want to invest in me––It just hurts so much. Sometimes I want to quite my education and pick up a trade and settle down in Markdale and prove to people that I am worthy of their investment of time, that I am not leaving and that they can trust me. Alternately, I want to "show them" by hurting them somehow or learning something they need and withholding it. It is really rather pathetic.
When I was ~19, I built a couple of computers. Looking back now, I think it was me expressing my mechanical urges in a way that I could, without many resources and the desire to still have something practical (I mostly used mine for video games; lol).
What I always really wanted though, was a car. Cars have always been prohibitively expensive for me, and I have, up until about a month and a half ago, resisted the temptation, but then I let my dream have its way; I thought, "better to live in debt than in regret" (Kim has been very supportive considering the amount of money I have spent on it). Admittedly, the car that I wanted, was nicer than the one I have now (I have this little thing I had to make in grade 7 or 8 in which I had to plan out my life. By the age of 21 I was going to have a corvette stingray), but I love my car and I am going to nurture that sucker back to health. I have failed magnificently at pretty much every step along the way, but I am doing it.
Wow, these blog things are really good at making you feel better about your life. It is like a journal (cause no one reads mine), but less work.
Will Out (don't worry, I'll get tired of the Star Trek references soon enough)
This morning I dropped my car off at the mechanic's so it can be safetied. I explained to the head mechanic that I thought the engine's belt might be a bit tight and I would like them to check it out. He asked me why I thought that in a tone that implied I probably didn't know what I was talking about. So I told him that the marker on the tightener (?) was outside of the zone that the manufacturer recommends. He said they would check it out.
This is an insignificant little event by itself, but this has been happening my whole life. It seems that most men (probably women too, but I feel it more acutely when it is a man [whatever, I am not sexist]) I have met in life are unwilling to invest knowledge in me or trust that I might know something about something. My best guess is that this is normal; no-one wants to teach someone they have no stock in. I think this is normally counteracted by the fact that a male child usually has a father who is willing to take the time to teach him something.
Thus, I turn to books, school, and the internet (the greatest resource for sons of widows ever) to learn things that are normally the interests of men; however, this is lacking. I am not contributing to (except in the case of teachers, where I put bread on their table, but that is sort of a crappy feeling contribution) nor am I committed to them. What would really be ideal for me is a gang, but I could never tolerate that.
I think part of the problem is that people can sense that I am not going to stay in most cases (I have moved so much in my life; I sort of give off this vibe) and they are right not to want to invest in me––It just hurts so much. Sometimes I want to quite my education and pick up a trade and settle down in Markdale and prove to people that I am worthy of their investment of time, that I am not leaving and that they can trust me. Alternately, I want to "show them" by hurting them somehow or learning something they need and withholding it. It is really rather pathetic.
When I was ~19, I built a couple of computers. Looking back now, I think it was me expressing my mechanical urges in a way that I could, without many resources and the desire to still have something practical (I mostly used mine for video games; lol).
What I always really wanted though, was a car. Cars have always been prohibitively expensive for me, and I have, up until about a month and a half ago, resisted the temptation, but then I let my dream have its way; I thought, "better to live in debt than in regret" (Kim has been very supportive considering the amount of money I have spent on it). Admittedly, the car that I wanted, was nicer than the one I have now (I have this little thing I had to make in grade 7 or 8 in which I had to plan out my life. By the age of 21 I was going to have a corvette stingray), but I love my car and I am going to nurture that sucker back to health. I have failed magnificently at pretty much every step along the way, but I am doing it.
Wow, these blog things are really good at making you feel better about your life. It is like a journal (cause no one reads mine), but less work.
Will Out (don't worry, I'll get tired of the Star Trek references soon enough)
I mostly want to write about my car
William's Web Log, Stardate October 8th 2 am
I am starting my blog today.
I used to have one on MSN; it lasted 1 post.
Actually, I think I still have it and it still has one post.
This time I want to make it and Luke is not coercing me into doing it and I don't think I will tell many people about it.
I want to write about my car, my philosophical musings and whatever else I want, but I want to write about those two things most.
There is a certain thrill to writing a public thing that no one will read (Balaam's Donkey aside, this is the only outlet I have of that sort).
Today I did some painting on my car. It went better today than it did yesterday: yesterday was a gong show. I used 40 grit sand paper on my hood to remove paint and failed to sand with a harsh enough second grit, so now there is a ton of scratches on the hood. That will be another 5 cans of spray and like 6 hours work to fix; oh well, it is still cheaper than a body shop and it it works for now (it used to be yellow because of a stupid accident that I'm sure I'll mention sometime). Today I learned to always follow the manufacturers instructions for wait times. They have those there for a reason. Hurrying only creates more work. However, I only have to re-do one of the three things I painted and they look pretty good. I didn't quite get all of the rust on the wheel well, but I got the vast majority of it. I'll update in like five years and tell you if that caused me problems.
Anyway, doing that has inspired me to try and get all the rust on the body of my car, no matter how small. This will be my mission over the next year.
I promise I will get better at laying these out interestingly and I will start posting pictures of my car when I get my camera charged.
Speaking of pictures, here is one of Kim and I that I love.
Thanks for reading goodnight.
I am starting my blog today.
I used to have one on MSN; it lasted 1 post.
Actually, I think I still have it and it still has one post.
This time I want to make it and Luke is not coercing me into doing it and I don't think I will tell many people about it.
I want to write about my car, my philosophical musings and whatever else I want, but I want to write about those two things most.
There is a certain thrill to writing a public thing that no one will read (Balaam's Donkey aside, this is the only outlet I have of that sort).
Today I did some painting on my car. It went better today than it did yesterday: yesterday was a gong show. I used 40 grit sand paper on my hood to remove paint and failed to sand with a harsh enough second grit, so now there is a ton of scratches on the hood. That will be another 5 cans of spray and like 6 hours work to fix; oh well, it is still cheaper than a body shop and it it works for now (it used to be yellow because of a stupid accident that I'm sure I'll mention sometime). Today I learned to always follow the manufacturers instructions for wait times. They have those there for a reason. Hurrying only creates more work. However, I only have to re-do one of the three things I painted and they look pretty good. I didn't quite get all of the rust on the wheel well, but I got the vast majority of it. I'll update in like five years and tell you if that caused me problems.
Anyway, doing that has inspired me to try and get all the rust on the body of my car, no matter how small. This will be my mission over the next year.
I promise I will get better at laying these out interestingly and I will start posting pictures of my car when I get my camera charged.
Speaking of pictures, here is one of Kim and I that I love.
Thanks for reading goodnight.
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