my car and my insecurities

William's Log, Stardate October 8th 2009

This morning I dropped my car off at the mechanic's so it can be safetied. I explained to the head mechanic that I thought the engine's belt might be a bit tight and I would like them to check it out. He asked me why I thought that in a tone that implied I probably didn't know what I was talking about. So I told him that the marker on the tightener (?) was outside of the zone that the manufacturer recommends. He said they would check it out.

This is an insignificant little event by itself, but this has been happening my whole life. It seems that most men (probably women too, but I feel it more acutely when it is a man [whatever, I am not sexist]) I have met in life are unwilling to invest knowledge in me or trust that I might know something about something. My best guess is that this is normal; no-one wants to teach someone they have no stock in. I think this is normally counteracted by the fact that a male child usually has a father who is willing to take the time to teach him something.

Thus, I turn to books, school, and the internet (the greatest resource for sons of widows ever) to learn things that are normally the interests of men; however, this is lacking. I am not contributing to (except in the case of teachers, where I put bread on their table, but that is sort of a crappy feeling contribution) nor am I committed to them. What would really be ideal for me is a gang, but I could never tolerate that.

I think part of the problem is that people can sense that I am not going to stay in most cases (I have moved so much in my life; I sort of give off this vibe) and they are right not to want to invest in me––It just hurts so much. Sometimes I want to quite my education and pick up a trade and settle down in Markdale and prove to people that I am worthy of their investment of time, that I am not leaving and that they can trust me. Alternately, I want to "show them" by hurting them somehow or learning something they need and withholding it. It is really rather pathetic.

When I was ~19, I built a couple of computers. Looking back now, I think it was me expressing my mechanical urges in a way that I could, without many resources and the desire to still have something practical (I mostly used mine for video games; lol).

What I always really wanted though, was a car. Cars have always been prohibitively expensive for me, and I have, up until about a month and a half ago, resisted the temptation, but then I let my dream have its way; I thought, "better to live in debt than in regret" (Kim has been very supportive considering the amount of money I have spent on it). Admittedly, the car that I wanted, was nicer than the one I have now (I have this little thing I had to make in grade 7 or 8 in which I had to plan out my life. By the age of 21 I was going to have a corvette stingray), but I love my car and I am going to nurture that sucker back to health. I have failed magnificently at pretty much every step along the way, but I am doing it.

Wow, these blog things are really good at making you feel better about your life. It is like a journal (cause no one reads mine), but less work.

Will Out (don't worry, I'll get tired of the Star Trek references soon enough)